There I was again. So far down the hole of negativity that I’d woken up in the middle of the night – crying.
How the hell do you go from sleeping to crying? Is this what depression feels like?
Nah. I’m a man. I got a decent job and a healthy family. There’s no reason to be depressed. It must just be the winter blues.
But it wouldn’t stop. At night it came out. When no one was around to see.
During the day it lurked in the background. A shadow of shame and doubt that occasionally erupted in a blaze of frustration.
Who is this person? How did I get this way? What is wrong with me?
It turns out those are all the wrong questions. They just fed the fire. Kept me scratching at the bottom of the hole.
There were reasons for sure. Or more accurately – justifications. Excuses to not do anything about it. The opposite of shiny object syndrome. More like shitty attitude syndrome.
Trying to think myself out of it only made things worse. And the socially acceptable ways of turning off like drinking, scrolling and tv just piled on the guilt.
You should get help. Talk to someone. Exercise. Eat right. Get enough sleep. Meditate. Think positive. Et f’n cetera.
When you’re so far down the hole, all of it is too big of a lift. I just wasn’t ready for any of it. But you know you should and you don’t and the thought of trying just pushes things further down.
I needed a first step that is easy. Stupid easy. But I thought that I was such a piece of shit I didn’t deserve it.
This is how music saved me.